11.23.06
Francesca’s AUTUMN
People clad in blue uniforms, as well as strangers who carry these classic cameras with really big lenses swarm at you like bees, yet only 2 or 3 were able to enter inside the inhibition zone made especially for you. A long yellow plaster surrounded your precious space.
It was one of the fairest days in our neighborhood, the skies enveloped by calmness, the summits that tower in the East were at their best, the warmth of the atmosphere accentuated the dews that still dangle on some leaves. It is not autumn, no, we do not have autumns, yet those leaves around you are tainted with crimson red that they actually looked like rose petals from afar. Those leaves that scatter and cluster around you from this really enormous tree that seemed to have become your final refuge, this tree that caught every golfer’s attention.
Now, the attention is not on this tree anymore. It’s on you now, Francesca. And you left everybody except me thinking if it’s really you that’s been bathing in that pool of blood.
saikow said,
November 25, 2006 at 4:07 am
at first reading, i never really pictured the scene… i dont know, maybe its just me, but the some words are hard to understand… but, now i see the idea, and im trying to understand it… nice work, still…
umaispink said,
November 26, 2006 at 7:55 am
sunggo! (ano? ano?) hehe… the attempt is there but b careful with the use of words.. batangbata ka pa ay… (H**s) hindi ka na bata sa CW dang! yeah… ive met an innocent killer- Francesca. That’s how I see it. Well done..
lean airo said,
November 27, 2006 at 3:59 am
CSI anybody? hmm.. i think you just had too much of those late night conspiracy flicks.. hehe joke lng..
the idea is there.. seems like its way too broad..
kalme said,
November 27, 2006 at 1:50 pm
you were really effective in telling your story…but yah,you should do more to “show” it to us..but again, it’s nice
GoGoGo Power Rangers said,
November 28, 2006 at 9:26 pm
it’s like LOGICAL, readers would have to think deeply to comprehend everything….
and at the end. It’s like a finished “crossword”
it reveals everything! nice!.. but that’s not it… it’s as if i only like the last part..
nice write BTW…
rr said,
November 30, 2006 at 3:33 pm
i read it over and over again…
good work. its actually hard challenging to make something like it.
i was thinking…
would you ever try making a romantic scene-of-the-crime depiction?
that would be interesting.
rr said,
December 1, 2006 at 4:14 am
waaa…
sana may spell and grammar check ang post a comment box.
its actually fun to make comments on comments..
it’s actually hard *AND challenging to make something like it…
ayun. just dropped by to correct my previous comment.
karryl said,
January 26, 2007 at 5:41 am
ridge, if ever you’ll write your first novel padalhan mo ko ha?
egdiR said,
February 22, 2007 at 3:38 am
thanks kar!! ive been patiently waiting for your comment…hahaha..novel?think i cant write such thing…hehhe
chi said,
February 24, 2007 at 10:22 am
you’re quite a surprise ridge.
anyway, you doing fairly well with imagery and tension. but…why not just say ‘police in blue uniforms’ instead of “People clad in blue uniforms” and ‘photographers (+details).’ instead of “strangers who carry these classic cameras”. i think you might have been aiming for a mysterious effect regarding these characters but i think the speaker would be keen enough to see that these people working on the crime scene are police men and crime photographers. you can tell exactly who they are but for what you were aiming, you can supply more details on these characters like what exactly were they doing? what were the police men and crime photogs doing with the body aside from swarming around it like bees? did a police man scrape something off the body (blood or whatever) for evidence? did the crime photogs photograph a certain part or angle of the body? i cannot see the scene play out that clearly. it’s like envisioning this scene with the characters going around haphazardly.
modthryth said,
February 28, 2007 at 11:41 am
thanks for the comment te chi..i’ll keep ur advice in mind..
and thanks for being my first tutor in writing.hehehehe